I haven't decided what was better.. to continue in google groups or to just start "blogging" in a traditional blog. While I figure it out... I'll just go back to my xanga.
11 AM
Last night was a horrible night. I was OK for the most part after we left the hospital, but once I got into bed... the reality of it all just came crashing down on me. I felt empty. Like my heart and my lungs weren't there anymore... it was just an empty void in my chest. I cried hysterically again. And I called my mom. We cried together. And then my brother told stories about the dog to cheer us up. It helped. I slept.
This morning I woke up in a different room. No monitors, no doctors or nurses... but no husband. I laid there for a while staring at the ceiling fan. What to do with myself now?
A song that's been in my head since yesterday:
How deep the Father's love for us, How vast beyond all measure That He should give His only Son To make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss, The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory
I sang it to Anderson in my head. I'm so thankful for the hope that we have in Jesus. The hope that I will see my beloved again. The hope that we will spend an eternity together with God in all joy and happiness.
All our happiness these past 3 years have been marred by intense sorrow. We have had immeasurable joy and oneness... but I look forward to the day where there is no little tugging in the back of my mind... that this will be the last time we will be doing this together... this could be the last time we have moments like this. I look forward to an eternity of beautiful moments and new things to share with my Anderson and my God.
As much as I've needed Anderson to get through this... I think he needed me as well. He needed me to help him live in the moment and not wait for things to get better (back when he was depressed). He needed me to "rush" him to do things NOW and not put them off. He needed me to tell him the cold, hard truth... that we make the most of what we've got right now because we might not have it tomorrow. He always says that I saved his life. So many times, he's said it. I don't think I ever said it back to him... but I think he maybe... he already knew.
He knew me and loved me so much more than I loved him. He always said that he loved me more and I never wanted to believe that... but it's true. This man was able to peer into my heart, understand my needs and my desires... and take care of me. When he realized that he wasn't going to be able to do so much longer... he asked others to care for me.
My husband. My beautiful husband. I wish... you didn't have to go so soon.
If we'd been able to make a slideshow it would have been something like this. Sorry we're missing pics from our childhood and it's not perfect but it's for your enjoyment.
I'm still thinking and marveling at aspects of our wedding. Another theme that I've identified is:
SACRIFICE Many of our friends told us later that they really felt the love and could feel God's presence at our wedding. I totally felt the love too but it was my own wedding so I probably would have anyway if we'd taken a year to plan and it had climaxed in the actual wedding.
Some ppl also asked me why I was sobbing walking down the aisle. I don't think everything truly hit me until the moment right when I turned the corner and looked down the aisle. I was super nervous with tachycardia right before I went in. I thought I would have at least made it down the aisle without crying but... I guess that's not what happened. All the emotion and the anticipation of the past few days had led up to the precise moment when I saw Anderson at the end of the beautifully decorated aisle. I was overwhelmed with love for my husband-to-be... the love of everyone who made it to our wedding on such short notice, everyone who put together the decorations, who anticipated our needs and met them, who coordinated this and organized that with no questions... no hesitation... no reluctancy... THAT is sacrificial love.
I've also been told that Anderson and my love for each other, but especially mine, is an example of sacrificial love. Honestly, why? I got married to the man I dated for almost 6 years... the man I endured an international long distance relationship through... the man who loves me with every fiber of his being... what other action could I have taken? To enjoy every single moment we have together for the rest of our lives, we wanted to be husband and wife as soon as possible. Shouldn't every single marriage be an awesome example of sacrificial love?
I think that every single day since we've been married, I experience sacrificial love. I sacrifice my own needs and put his needs above my own. I sacrifice my own laziness for productivity. I'm learning to stop my own agenda and align mine to fit his. I think that every day after the actual wedding day has been more an example of and a lesson in sacrificial love than anything.
I have so many more thoughts that I want to write down. Eventually.
btw, I passed my licensing exam and am now a registered nurse in the state of California. :)
